The Fifth Element Part 3

Back in Jared's apartment, he's opening the shower door. Jensen is soaking wet, his teeth chattering from the cold.

"I'm really sorry," Jared says. "Autowash…" His eyes fall on an old blanket. "Here let me wrap you up." He wraps Jensen in the blanket and vigorously rubs the man's back. Jensen warms gradually and snuggles closer to Jared’s shoulder. Jared's rubbing slows, to something more like a caress.

"It's funny," murmurs Jared. "I've met you twice today, and you've ended up in my arms both times." Jensen recovers, looking embarrassed.

"Valo massa. Chacha hamas," he mumbles.

"Uh, you're welcome," husks Jared. The intimacy makes him nervous. He looks for a diversion. "Coffee! That's what you need! A nice, hot cup of coffee!" He pushes a button on the coffee machine. "With some honey! You'll see, honey's great!" Jared rummages through the drawer. Jensen, innocent, doesn't seem to quite understand everything that is going on. "A hot cup of coffee," burbles Jared. "With honey…" He rummages through the cupboard, exceedingly nervous. Jensen smiles and begins to look around. He opens a drawer and comes upon a bunch of photos showing Major Jared Padalecki, War Hero.

He looks back to his host, who is currently fumbling as he tries to find the honey, and smiles.

"Here it is!" Jared holds up the jar of honey. "Here. Try this." Jensen sticks Jared's finger into the jar and then puts it into his mouth. "It… er… melts in your mouth, doesn't it?"

He savors the honey, slowly, sensually. His lips shine with honey. His eyes narrow with pleasure. Jared is hypnotized by his lips - a moth attracted to a flame. He begins to lose control, which makes him nervous. An indistinct sound comes from the wall, but Jared is so entranced with the sight of Jensen licking his honeyed fingers that he doesn't hear it until it becomes almost loud enough to drown out their voices. Almost…

"You hear that?" he asks Jensen, confused.

"Kripke," mutters Jensen, still industriously licking Jared’s fingers clean.

"Oh, God!" Jared pushes the button on the wall, and the bed pops out, fully made, with Kripke tucked in it, struggling to get out. "I'm really sorry. Here, let me help you." Jared begins to pull at the covers.

"Achta ge lumitai de matala," announces Jensen.

Jared turns. "What?" He turns to Jensen struggling out of his wet clothes. His breath is taken away by the sight of his perfect body.

At that moment, Kripke whacks him heavily on the head with a lamp. Jared drops to the floor as if pole-axed.

Jensen appears displeased. "Vano da, mechteba? Soun domo kala chon hammas," he scolds.

"No, I'm not proud of myself," murmurs Kripke. "But we don't have the luxury of choice."

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Downstairs, the police exit the elevator and head for the front door. A cop suddenly takes a hit from a silenced weapon, then a second cop goes down. Others are bashed on the head by Mangalore warriors. One of them picks up the bag containing the prisoner and takes it into a small shed where Welling, the Mangalore leader, is waiting. He is seriously wounded and covered in cuts and bruises.

"Jared Padalecki. We got him," announces a warrior.

"Perfect," says Welling. I will go to Fhloston and get the Stones. If the Beav really wants them, he'll have to negotiate. Revenge is at hand." With a low, evil laugh he's been practicing in private for years, he rises to his feet and staggers off to the airport.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Back in his apartment, Jared gets unsteadily to his feet. Blood drips down his face, and he daubs at it. He's starting to get pissed off now.
The phone rings, and he answers it automatically.

"Yeah?" he says, but regrets it instantly.

"Have you pulled yourself together?" his mother asks him.

"Not yet," growls Jared and hangs up. He opens the fridge door. The three officers are frozen solid. He grabs some ice, presses it to his forehead and retrieves his tickets from the General's frozen hand.

"I'll take the mission," he says, and closes the door.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Kripke and Jensen – who is still damp - arrive at the Manhattan Intergalactic Airport. It's a huge hall three quarters filled with trash piled up to the ceiling. There are groups of extra-terrestrials on strike standing in the garbage holding picket signs. A security guard picks up a phone from the wall.

"We have an illegal gathering in Zone 4," he says.

A hand taps Jensen's shoulder from behind. He whips around, catching Gabe in the face.

"Jensen, be careful," murmurs Kripke. He turns to Gabe who in holding his bloody nose. "Did you get them?" Gabe hands Kripke two passports.

"Excellent… Jensen Padalecki." Kripke hands Jensen the passport. The name makes him smile. "And Jared Gabriel Padalecki."

Jensen frowns. "Akta dedero ansila do mektet."

"I can't pretend to be your husband," says Kripke. "But Gabriel is in great shape." Jensen looks dubiously at Gabe, who's holding his bloody nose. "He'll protect you. Go on. See the Diva. Get the Stones. See you at the temple, and may God be with you."

As they turn to go to the boarding gate, Jared rushes into the airport. Walking quickly, he casts his glance around the hall, looking for Jensen. A police patrol bearing down on the strikers jostles him. The cops open fire and the strikers dive into the garbage and disappear.

At the gate, Gabe puts tickets and IDs onto the check-in counter. Jensen tosses his suitcase onto the conveyor belt. The attendant smiles a toothpaste smile. "Congratulations on winning the contest."

Gabe gives her a bleak smile, and Jensen rolls his eyes. Back a little way, Jared spots Jensen and Gabe. He heads towards them. Jensen spies him and appears to be both delighted and panicked. Gabe, however, has seen nothing. Coming up behind them, Jared presses one of his fingers like a gun to Gabe's back.

"Hey! I really thought I was going to miss my flight," he says, grinning toothily, dimples punctuating his good humor. "Thanks, kid," he says to Gabe. "You put the luggage on the conveyor belt?"

Discovered, the only thing Gabe can do is appear to agree. "Uh, yeah," he grunts, praying that Jared isn't going to kill him with the huge gun that seems to be bruising his ribs.

"Great," says Jared, removing his hand from Gabe's back. "Now beat it!"

Paralyzed with fear, Gabe backs away. Jared turns to the attendant.

"Excuse me. I was so afraid I'd miss the flight that I sent the kid here to pick up my boarding card." Jensen is unable to hold back a smile. The attendant studies Jensen's Id. "Your brother?" she asks.

Jared grabs the ID and reads it. "Uh, no," he says. "Newlyweds. You know how it is. Love at first sight. You meet, something goes tilt, and you get married. You hardly know each other, right, darling?"

Jensen rips his boarding card out of the attendant's hand. "Dinoine chagantakat. Multipass!"

"Took the words right out of my mouth," says Jared, flashing those dimples again. "Go on. I'll be right with you." He turns back to the attendant. "It's our honeymoon. We're going to use the trip to get to know each other better." He winks at the stewardess before moving on to board the craft.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

As they go in, behind them, Jared's neighbor, accompanied by a skanky looking young girl, crosses the airport. The couple is almost knocked over by a police patrol holding a 500 pound pig on a stainless steel leash. The couple panics a moment, then realize the patrol isn't for them. The pig heads for the pile where the strikers disappeared.

"Come on, Snyffer," says the cop to his pig. "Go root!" The pig piles into the garbage. The cop lets out the leash, and there are muffled squeaks from the pile of garbage.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Kripke is sitting at a bar, babbling at the bartender. "I feel so guilty sending him to do the dirty work. I know he was made to be strong, but he's also so fragile, so human. You know what I mean?"

The bartender, a robot, nods its head as it pours Kripke another drink.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The nasty neighbor and his wife hand their tickets to the check-in attendant. The attendant is a little shocked. "Padalecki? Jared?" she asks.

"Yes, that's me."

The check-in attendant triggers a transparent blue light that shines on their faces, revealing that they are disguised, and that the two of them are really Mangalores. She smiles her toothpaste smile and murmurs "Just a minute, please." She hits a silent alarm, but the Mangalores feel something is wrong.

"We'll be right back. We're just gonna check out the duty free." The pair of them spin around and hurry away.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Kripke is still at the bar, but now he's halfway to paralytic.

"The same?" asks the bartender.

"Yeah," slurs Kripke.

"Make that two," says a voice from his shoulder. Kripke turns and sees Gabe.

"Where's Jensen?"

"On the plane," sighs Gabe. "With Mr. Padalecki - the real one," he says.

"Oh, my God! It's all my fault. I'm the servant. It's my mission. Here." He hands Gabe the temple key from around his neck. "Here's the key to the Temple." Kripke blinks owlishly as he attempts to have both eyes track at the same time. "Go and prepare for our arrival." He tosses Gabe's drink into his own, knocks it back and then takes off, passing the Mangalore couple as they make for the exit. They are apparently very nervous. A police patrol is coming, and, this time, it does seem to be for them.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Inside the ship Jensen stands at the buffet in the first class lounge eating everything in sight. Jared makes his way towards him, led by an attendant.

"You are so lucky," she's saying. "Rosey Rhedd is the coolest DJ in the universe."

"I don't want to be interviewed. I'd prefer to remain anonymous," protests Jared. The stewardess stops in the corridor, her jaw on her chest.

"Forget anonymous. You're scheduled to do Rosey Rhedd's live show every day from 5 to 7 for the duration of your trip."

Jared's expression changes, and he assumes his most mulish expression. No more Mr. Nice Guy here. "You've gotta be kidding," he growls.

The stewardess smiles and shakes her head, just as the door next to him swings open and smashes him in the face. In walks Rosey Rhedd amidst a welter of aides and assorted hangers-on. He is impish, with a chubby face and a shiny, bald head, and he's dressed in the weirdest possible outfit – all leopard-skin print, spandex and spangles.

"Jared Padalecki! Here he is; the most hated man in the universe. The one and only winner of the Gemini Croquette contest! Ladies, start melting 'cause the boy's hot! Hot! Hot! The boy is perfect." Snaking up to Jared, Rosey feels his biceps, lips pursed as he gauges the firmness. "The right size, right build, right hair. Right on! Say something to those 50 billion pairs of ears out there, J-man!"

One of the teeming assistants passes a totally lost Jared a mike. He looks at it as if it's a striking snake, leans forward and mumbles, "Hi." Then he backs away.

"Does it get any better or what?" burbles Rosey, grabbing Jared's arm and towing him down the hallway. "Quiver, ladies, he's gonna set the world on fire right here from 5 to 7! You'll know everything there is to know about the J-man. His dreams, his desires, his most intimate of intimates, and from what I'm looking at, intimate is the stud-muffin's middle name. So tell me, my main man, you nervous in the service?"

Jared's baffled. The mike is menacing him again, and he swallows. "Uh, not really."

Rosey Rhedd lets go of Jared's arm at last and grabs for the stewardess.

"Freeze those knees, my chickadees, 'cause J-man is on the case with a major face." He rubs up against the stewardess. "Start drooling, ladies! My man here is a sharp-tongued sire who's gonna stroke your every desire."

They come to an intersection. The airline company has prepared drinks for them. Rosey Rhedd pushes on, grabs a glass of champagne, draining it, scribbles his autograph, turns and hands his empty glass to a flunkey and passes on. "Yesterday's unknown will be tomorrow's Prince of Fhloston Paradise, the hotel of a thousand and one follies, home of luxury and beauty. A magic fountain flowing with non-stop wine, women and Hootchie Koochie Koo." He slurps back his refilled champagne glass and then tosses it over his shoulder as he sashays on. "Beware out there, puppy dogs, my man Jared is on the prowl. Owwww!"

Howling, Rosey Rhedd grabs another stewardess by the arm. "And start licking your stamps, little girls. This guy's gonna have you writing home to Momma! Tomorrow from 5 to 7, I'll be your voice, your tongue, and I'll be hot on the tail of the sexiest man of the year - J-man, your man, my man." The stewardess shivers, and a beep sounds out.

"End of transmission," says an electronic voice. The music suddenly stops. Several assistants come and compliment Rosey Rhedd, who sighs, lights up a joint, pops a few assorted pills, and drops his pretense.

"Jared, sweetheart, do me a favor. I know this is probably the biggest thing that ever happened to you in your inconsequential life, but I've got a show to do here, and it's got to pop, pop, pop. So, tomorrow, when we're on the air, give me a hand." He leans forward, in Jared's face despite the height difference between them, and scowls in an intimidating manner. "Try to make believe you have more than a one word vocabulary, green?"

That does it. Jared grabs him by the collar and drags him into a corner. Rosey Rhedd's feet don't touch the ground as he's dangled from Jared's mighty paws.

"I didn't come here to play Dumbo on the radio, so tomorrow, between 5 and 7, give yourself a hand, Is that green?"

"Green," squeaks Rosey.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Back at the gate, the check-in attendant has two more tickets in her hand. She frowns as she studies the ID in her hand. Mrs. Padalecki… Jared Padalecki?"

Katie gives her a big smile. "That's right."

The attendant scans the ID with a yellow beam, and when that checks out, and the blue light reveals no other face but hers, she isn't quite sure what to say. "The problem is that Mr. Padalecki has already checked in, and he's brought his new husband with him."

Katie's smile disappears as fast as it came. "But that's impossible," she stuttered. "He isn't mar… I mean, there must be some mistake. I have my ticket! I'm the real Mrs. Padalecki!" As she's speaking, there's a loud bell, and the check-in girl smiles sympathetically. "I'm sorry," she says. "Boarding is finished." Hitting a button causes a window to slide up between them, effectively closing Katie off from any further communication.

Livid, Katie hammers on the glass. "I want to see your boss!" she screams. "You're making a big mistake. Heads will roll!" As she pounds on the counter with her fists, a steel curtain comes down and red beams focus on her. Gun barrels protrude from the wall to aim at her. A voice booms at her.

"This is not an exercise. This is a police control. Put your hands in the nearest yellow circles."

For a moment, Katie's jaw drops, and then she attempts conciliation. "Uh, sorry, my fault," she says, biting off the words between her teeth in a manner that merely demonstrates her frustration. "Just a little overexcited, that's all. I'm calm now…"

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Inside the ship, Jared is making his way along the corridor, looking for his berth. He finally spots Jensen, who is stretched out on his belly in front of a computer screen. Climbing in, Jared slides in next to him. Jensen is concentrating on the words that scroll rapidly past him on the screen, and Jared doesn't quite understand what he's up to.

"Apipoulai," murmurs Jensen, beaming, and Jared feels himself melt all over again at the perfect being's eye-crinkling smile. However, he has to make his ravishing companion understand something. Leaning in towards Jensen, he tries to explain.

"Jensen, listen to me. These tickets shouldn't really belong to me. I mean they do but not…" He frowns. "I'd love to be on vacation with you for real but…" He sighs softly. "I have a job to do, and I'd love to work in peace…"

Jensen types the word love. "Love," he murmurs, studying the screen and nodding as he sees the definition.

"Yes." Jared nods. "But love isn't really the word. What you need to understand is peace."

Nodding amiably, Jensen types in this new word.

"Peace," he says, approvingly. "Love."

The picture on the screen is that of a 60's style Hippie flashing a peace sign. Jared sighs and switches off the screen, defeated.

Jensen isn't ready to admit defeat yet, however. "Make Love?" he says. "What?"

Jared just stares for a few minutes, and then he sighs and turns the screen back on. "Be my guest," he mumbles, trying to will away the erection that's suddenly complicated his state of mind.

He's saved from any further trouble by the stewardess, who is strolling up the aisle of the shuttle pushing the red buttons on top of each individual compartment.

"Ladies and gentlemen," a voice coos as she goes. "To make your flight as short and agreeable as possible, our flight attendants are switching on the automatic sleep timer which will regulate your sleep during the trip."

"Okay," says Jensen, as she draws nearer. "Finished." He switches off the computer screen, and smiles. Jared has to ask.

"Finished what?" he says, confused.

"Learning language," says Jensen.

"Which language?" Jared raises himself up on his elbow to study Jensen.

"All," says Jensen, and Jared shakes his head, unsure whether to laugh or cry. As he ponders his response, the stewardess reaches his compartment.

"Sweet dreams, Mr. Padalecki," she coos at him, reaching to set the sleep timer.

"No, wait…" says Jared, but it's too late, and as he's speaking, they fall asleep.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

At the other end of the shuttle, one of the attendants is finding that it isn't all plain sailing. "Mr. Rosey Rhedd, you have to assume your individual position," she protests as he envelopes her, hands everywhere they can be.

"I don't want an individual position; I want all positions," he announces, licking along her neck. Fighting him off is like escaping the clutches of a giant squid, although she makes a vain but valiant attempt.

"We'll be taking off soon, Mr. Rhedd," she protests. Her words fall on deaf ears.

"Now you're talking," he says, sliding down her body as she moans and gives up the struggle.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Preparing for liftoff, the captain is checking the instrumentation as the copilot radios in their flight plan. "Molecular axis authorization, vector 130, destination Fhloston," he's saying as a stewardess enters the cockpit.

"Zone 1, 217 locked," she says. "The sleep regulator is engaged."

A red light flashes on the vast control panel. A mechanic's voice comes over the radio. "Tell the ground crew we've got parasites in the landing gear."

The message is passed, and down on the asphalt, a member of the ground crew goes to fetch the disinfection units, bringing them over to the front landing gear and turning them on. The resulting flame burns everything it touches. A pack of repugnant creatures falls squealing from the landing gear. A small trapdoor is opened under the shuttle and a huge slightly phosphorescent tube falls out.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Katie is in a phone booth in the middle of the hall. "Yeah, it's me. Put Mr. Beaver on," she says, swallowing nervously.

The Beav is suddenly on the screen, and he's not at all happy. "I'm listening," he says, his voice cold.

"The real Jared Padalecki is on the plane, and he's got a husband with him. I didn't get a chance…"

"This is a joke, right?" says the Beav.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Inside the shuttle, Rosey Rhedd is wrapped around a stewardess like she's his favorite teddy bear. He's nuzzling his prey, and doing his best to hypnotize her. "No, I swear to God! I've never been this sincere with a human before."

"Oh, Mr. Rhedd," she squeaks, believing every word he says, or at least every other one.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

An enormous, highly phosphorescent tube is being inserted into the opening in the undercarriage of the shuttle, and one of the ground crew calls the co-pilot to announce that the ship is cleared for take-off.

Inside the shuttle, on the bridge, the pilot does his final checks. "All ready for lift-off," he announces.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Rosey Rhedd is tossing a pair of blue, uniform panties over his shoulder, even as the stewardess protests that she just isn't that kind of girl.

As he sinks to his knees, her cries of, "Oh, please, stop," suddenly become cries of, "Oh, please…"

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

"I can't hear you; we have a bad connection here. What's your number?" says the Beav. Katie reels it off and the Beav tells her that he'll call her back.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The runway is now empty as the ground crew leave to enable the take-off. A man slips out of the shadows. It's Kripke. He scurries over to the front landing gear. He pauses for an instant, peers around himself surreptitiously and then climbs up the wheel to disappear inside the shuttle's baggage hold.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Inside, the pilots are going through the pre-flight check list. "Anti static pressure?" says the pilot, making a note.

"Primed," says the co-pilot, pressing a button.

Rosey Rhedd is happily popping buttons, too - the ones on the stewardess's blouse. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear, and the stewardess' legs rise slowly, as does the ship. She's undergoing a power surge from Rosey Rhedd that's about to lift her off.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The Beav is gleefully dialing a number. "3... 2... 1..." he counts down.

The engines fire at full blast. The stewardess screams. The pilot calls for lift-off. The co-pilot pushes a button.

So does The Beav.

The engines release their full power. The stewardess screams in ecstatic release. Katie explodes - along with the phone and everything else within 60 feet.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Inside the ship, the stewardess's legs slowly descend.

In the cockpit, the flight crew relaxes. "Landing gear secure. Let's light one up," calls the co-pilot.

Jared and Jensen sleep soundly in their compartment. Jensen is smiling and his hand has found Jared's.

The shuttle achieves orbit, and then goes to warp speed. The stars glow in perfect silence.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The Ostroff is still hovering, immobile. It's watching something, a cosmic cat spying a mouse. Then, suddenly, its face twists in a snarl.

Admiral Singer watches from his spaceship, scientists are monitoring their instruments, and as one of them suddenly begins to chatter and hum, a technician cries out in excitement.

"All right! We're finally getting something," he calls, and everyone crowds around.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

In President Lindberg's office, Professor Carlson stands facing the President, who is looking more tired than ever.

"The thing is sending out radio waves," he tells Lindberg.

"What the hell does it want with radio waves?" The President shakes his head, baffled.

It probably wants to make a call," says Carlson, smirking as the President and his Generals gape at him.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

In the Beav's office, the phone rings.

"Ms. Ostroff is on the line," announces Lauren, his new secretary.

Picking up the phone, the Beav looks nervous. "Hello," he murmurs.
"This is Beaver."

The voice is girly, sinister and cold, coming as it does from the bowels of hell. "Am I disturbing you?" she lisps.

"Not at all," he says. "Where are you?"

"Not far, now," says the Ostroff.

"Really? Maybe I can get you on my screen and see you at last," says the Beav, sounding excited. He brings up a huge screen, pushes a few buttons and from the depths of space and time she appears. She's smiling seductively, fluttering her eyelashes, and the Beav winces.

"How's our deal coming along?" she asks him, sweetly.

"Fine, just fine," he says, unconvincingly. Sweat stands out on his forehead, and he takes off his cap, mops his brow with a spotted bandana and replaces it a little askew. "I'll have the Stones you asked for any time now, but it wasn't easy. My costs have tripled."

Ostroff smirks, and black, slimy liquid starts to ooze from the top of the screen. The Beav looks uneasy.

"Money is of no importance," she lisps. "I want those Stones."

The black liquid oozes across his screen, and it begins to melt. The Beav is still sweating, and he sinks down into his chair, gulping. "The Stones will be here. I'll see to it personally"

"Soon," says Ostroff. "I can't wait to be among you." It's her parting shot. She cuts the connection.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The space shuttle banks left as it begins its descent toward Fhloston, the turquoise planet. It flies over crystal blue water, perfect white sand beaches and heads for the Fhloston Paradise and the dock.

Inside, a stewardess picks up her microphone to make an announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent toward Fhloston Paradise."

Stewardesses walk down the aisles, waking the passengers one by one, pressing the button on the door of each compartment. In one corner, Rosey Rhedd and the stewardess awake with a start and straighten their clothes quickly. The stewardess is embarrassed. "I wanted to tell you that…"

Rosey Rhedd dons his sunglasses and presses a finger to her lips. He disappears behind the curtain leaving the sighing stewardess on her own.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The spaceship descends through a few little, fluffy white clouds and glides over a vast turquoise sea. Fhloston Paradise looms into view, an enormous cruise ship that floats a dozen yards above the water. The shuttle draws near, looking ridiculously small next to the monster. Like a sardine next to a whale.

A blinking light goes on, and the pilot mutters a curse as he registers the presence of parasites once more.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

A stewardess opens Jared's compartment door. He is still heavy with sleep. He looks over to Jensen, but Jensen's gone.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The pilot maneuvers the ship into the dock. "Docking activated. You can let the passengers out, now," he calls.

Searching for the parasites, the co-pilot pries open the door to an overhead panel. Kripke falls out, hanging in a jumble of wires.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Down in the dock, the door of the shuttle opens, and the passengers stream out, Jensen among them. He appears to be impressed by the beauty and luxury of the hall and swiftly heads off as if he knows just where he's going. Back inside the shuttle, Jared is attempting to make his way out. He shoves his way through the excited crowds. "Pardon me. Excuse me. I'm trying to reach my husband. Sorry," he murmurs as he goes.

A dozen policemen wait patiently at the end of the hall. Jensen stops and presses against the wall. He spots Jared leaving the shuttle and appears to be about to go to him when a gorgeous hostess approaches Jared, drapes a lei around his neck and plants a kiss on his lips in welcome. "Welcome to Paradise," she says.

Jared's face is covered in lipstick. Jensen sees he did nothing to stop the hostess and frowns. A large, muscular host wearing a sarong drapes some flowers around Jensen's neck. Then, obviously relishing it, he leans in to kiss him. Jensen bashes him on the forehead. The host straightens up, still smiling, but his nose is bleeding. He falls slowly to the floor.

Jared pushes forward, still looking for Jensen. He's trying to wipe the lipstick off his face. Jensen escapes through a door marked 'personnel only'.

A shriek of joy fills the room, and Jared turns around to see all the hostesses cluster around Rosey Rhedd as he comes out of the plane. Rosey Rhedd spots Jared and swaggers over to him, grabbing hold of his arm.

"Jared, my main man," he trills. "Please don't leave me here alone. My head's killing me and my adoring fans are gonna tear me apart! Get me outta here."

"I'll take you to the bar," grumbles Jared. "After that, you're on your own."

Undaunted, Rosey does a little dance step. "Oh, yes! Do that! You treat me right, Jared, my man. Tell me all about yourself, your roots, your personal life, your childhood dreams…"

Jared winces. " I don't think this is a good time," he says. He might as well not have bothered to speak. The man with the shiny head continues unabated.

"You got brothers and sisters? What about your dad? Tell me about your dad! What was he like? Big, I suppose?"

"Yeah, very big, a giant," snarls Jared, trying hard to back away as Rosey clings like a limpet to his arm.

"I didn't have a dad," whispers Rosey. "I was actually drawn by Walt Disney."

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Jensen is in a small room, listening at the door. Everything seems fine. He turns to discover that the room is a rest area for cops, three of whom look up from their books and stare blankly at him. He doesn't quite know what to do, so he smiles.

Jared, meanwhile, has escaped from Rosey, and is now being shown to his stateroom. The hostess throws open the door and Jared enters, gaping at the luxury. His suitcases are brought in, and Jared picks up the notice announcing Diva Sandeelaguna's concert at 5:30 that evening.

"For the concert it says formal attire," he begins. " I didn't bring…"

The hostess pulls back the closet door. Twenty tuxedos hang in a row.

There's champagne," says the hostess. "I'll drop by after the concert to open it." She gives him a blinding smile and closes the door.

Jared goes over to the window and pulls the curtains open, revealing a most spectacular view of the turquoise planet. In the vast depths of space, stars shoot out into infinity. It's breathtaking. For a moment he stands gaping, then the phone rings, snapping him out of his reverie. "Hello?" he says.

"You little sleaze bag!" Once again, his mother's voice drags him down to earth.

"Ma," he says, dumbfounded.

"Don't you ever ask me for another thing in my life again; you've killed your poor mother with your own hands." Jared drops into an armchair and sighs. His eyes go to the ceiling, but the torrent of abuse continues.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Elsewhere on the cruise liner, the Chief of Police has Kripke in front of him, handcuffed. "OK, let's hear it again," he says.

"Where was I?" Kripke frowns.

"You opened the door, and there was a cabby with a man in his arms." As Kripke is about to continue, two cops come hobbling in all bloody and bandaged. They're supporting a third.

"What the hell happened to you?" asks the chief of police. "A bomb go off in your face?"

"Yeah." The cop is bleeding from multiple scrapes and cuts. "A 6 foot bomb in an orange shirt. He had green eyes."

Kripke perks up and breathes a sigh of relief. The cops, busily tending to their wounded, don't notice as he slips away.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

In the corridor, Jensen watches the Diva's arrival. A door opens and two security guards clear the way for Diva Sandeelaguna, her manager, her bodyguards, and a gaggle of porters carrying her luggage.

Not wanting to draw attention to himself, Jensen pretends to study a painting that is obviously upside down. The Diva's face is shrouded in white. She pauses before Jensen, reaches out and strokes his face. As she removes her hand there's a sound like crackling electricity. She studies him for a moment and then passes on. Jensen appears to be groggy. As he stands there, recovering, Kane, the Diva's assistant comes up to him.

"Please forgive this little incident. She wants you to know that she senses great powers in you, in the service of a noble cause. She will give you what you have come to get, but she wants to sing first, one last time."

The assistant turns the painting right side up. Jensen looks back at it and nods. Now it makes sense!

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Jared's finishing putting on his tux, still on the phone. "Listen, Ma! I've only got a few days vacation, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them on the phone."

The door flies open as he hangs up, and Rosey Rhedd barges in. "Jared? Jared, my man, we gotta get funky with the monkey." Sighing, Jared is dragged away to the concert.

The concert hall is a replica of the Garnier Opera in Paris. A hostess escorts them to their seats. Rosey Rhedd is broadcasting as they walk. "We have just walked into what is probably the most beautiful concert hall in the universe. Believe me, it's totally awesome! Magnificent paintings on the ceiling. I don't know who painted them, but he must have busted his balls! I see a row of former ministers, more sinister than minister! A few generals practicing how to sleep. And there's Baby Chad Michael, star of stage and screen, drowning in a sea of nymphets. He's not gonna get much out of this concert, he's stone-deaf!"

Baby Chad Michael is a short blond, bending his ear to a girl asking for an autograph.

"And over there is Roy Von Bacon, the king of laserball and the best paid player in the League." Rosey Rhedd is in his element, gushing as he maintains his vise-like grip on Jared's arm. "And over there is the Emperor Kodar Japhet whose daughter Aachen is still at the bar. 'I love to sing, too, but in the shower,' she recently confessed to me. She will no doubt prove to be as generous tonight as she always is. Just listen to her sing!" A woman's voice, gasping in orgasm can be heard as Rosey continues his progress. "Sweet," he carols.

A waiter gives them both glasses of champagne and then leaves the hall with his empty tray. He enters a small room reserved for staff, where he's joined by others. They are all well armed. Opening a cupboard, the waiter pulls out a humongous weapon. Suddenly their faces dissolve, revealing the battered, bruised face of Welling, leader of the Mangalores, and his troops. His eyes are glazed with madness. Bandages circle his head, and there's a tic in one eye that doesn't stop twitching despite the fact that it's bloodshot and swollen.

"It's showtime," says Welling.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Back in the concert hall, the lights slowly go down. Jared watches, intrigued and willing to be entertained. The Diva emerges from a cloud of gauzy curtains to stand in front of them. She's alone on the stage, a tiny presence that glows as brightly as the stars displayed on the backdrop behind her.

She begins to sing, and her voice is amazing, rich and full with a sweetness that he's never heard before. Around him he can feel the swelling of emotion as her song touches the audience. He can feel the tears rise in the backs of his eyes. His throat burns with the need to sob out loud.

Throwing back her head, the Diva's voice soars unamplified throughout the auditorium. She's beautiful, exotic, but that pales to insignificance beneath the majesty of her song. The long, slow lament vibrates the very air around Jared, and he can't keep from weeping.

"Don'tya wish your girlfriend was hot like me," she warbles.

It ends as all things must, and the music changes, picks up speed. She smiles tenderly at her audience, and begins a second song.

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)
But you keep fronting (Uh)
Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothing (Uh)

The lyrics are inspirational. The audience is moved, and everyone rejoices.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Alone in the Diva's bedroom, Jensen is searching for the stones with tears in his eyes at the beauty of the Diva's song.

Chris Kane is the Diva's manager. He's lounging in the sitting area of the suite, and he's heard it all before. He really has no ear for music, and he's falling asleep despite the sound of the Diva's voice, because he's drunk the best part of a bottle of Scotch. He's drowsing when he hears a knock on the door, and a voice announces that there's a delivery of flowers for the Diva. Grumbling, he rises and stomps over to answer the door. Used to fielding tributes for his mistress, ranging from flowers and champagne to diamonds and Coach accessories, he's not at all prepared to find himself staring down the barrel of a gun. A dozen Mangalores rush in. One of them, with a human face, closes the door and waits out in the hall. Gulping, Kane folds himself into a very small ball and cowers down behind a couch.

Lurking around a bend in the corridor, Kripke is watching.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Up on the deck, the captain is being apprized of a malfunctioning ship that's requesting permission to dock for repairs. As permission is given to land, the Beav pulls into the docking garage, turns off his thrusters and climbs out onto Fhloston Paradise with a satisfied smile.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

As the Mangalores pour into the Diva's suite, Jensen straightens up. He hasn't found the Stones, and he's running out of time. He knows that he has to act. He conceals himself as rampaging Mangalores trash the Diva's suite in their own haphazard search. One of them finally discovers a case engraved with the four elements. He's about to open it when Jensen reveals his presence.

"Apipoulai!" he says, jauntily.

A Mangalore whips out the biggest knife ever made and rushes Jensen. He makes short work of him and as he drops the dead Mangalore to the ground and dusts off his hands, a fight ensues.

The Diva sings and Jensen dances through a display of martial arts both graceful and efficient, his every move a tribute to his grace and artistry. The Mangalores pay a heavy price for the show.

The Mangalore who's been left on watch outside the door is growing uneasy as he hears the sounds of battle from within. He runs for reinforcements.

Jensen knocks out the last, hapless Mangalore, just as the Diva finishes her song to a burst of applause. The Diva takes a bow. So does Jensen.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Welling and his warriors have been listening to the concert when the Mangalore guard runs in.

"They were waiting for us; it was an ambush," cries the warrior.

Welling, never very stable to begin with, begins to twitch in earnest at his words. "If it's war they want, it's war they'll get," he growls. "Enact the Final Plan." As one, the alien horde cocks its weapons.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

Jensen is about to open the case he's rescued from the aliens, when the door explodes. Standing in the empty frame is the Beav, and he's holding a ZF1.

Jensen catches on quickly. He kicks the scotch bottle Kane left on the floor into the gun, which throws The Beav's shot off. He jumps up to the ceiling and disappears into an air vent. Furious, The Beav fires at the ceiling, while Jensen dodges bullets as best he can.

Three thousand rounds go into the ceiling, which winds up looking like a piece of antique lace. Convinced that he can't possibly have missed Jensen, the Beav nods in satisfaction and sticks a small cylinder onto the wall, pushing the button and turning it on. Numbers begin to count down; it's a bomb, and the timer on it reads: 19 minutes and 59 seconds.

Picking up the case that has the Stones depicted on it, the Beav turns to leave the suite. "If you want a job done right, you might just as well do it yourself," he says.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

On the deck, Kripke is seated opposite the Chief of Police, desperately attempting to alert the man to the fact that there are aliens trying to take over the vessel. As he opens his mouth to speak again, the door explodes, and a dozen Mangalores attack. Welling is at their head. Security guards and police alike are caught unawares.

"Nobody move! We're taking over this ship," barks Welling, and the Captain gapes. Kripke leans toward him and smirks.

"I told you so," he says.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The Beav has picked up the case and is in the act of exiting the suite just as the general alarm goes off. He sighs in exasperation.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

In the concert hall, a party of Mangalores suddenly rush in, shooting.
There's panic all around as the leader screams, "Everyone down."

Rosey Rhedd is on the air, even though he's panicking. "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're being attacked," he gabbles. "The place is crawling with warriors. Jared? Jared, my man? What do we do, Jared?"

Security guards open fire on the Mangalores. One of the aliens is hit, and the others turn their guns on the cops. People scream, diving for cover, while Jared, still recovering from the Diva's performance, bides his time.

He waits, a single still focus within the chaos all around him until The Diva takes a bullet.

She falls from the stage into Jared's arms. Shocked, he lowers her to the floor. Still ignoring the panic all around, he wraps her tenderly in his dinner jacket, trying to stop the blue blood spurting from her wounds.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

The Beav's ship speeds away from the doomed resort while he sits at the controls, a devilish smile on his lips.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
Fighting is raging all around in the concert hall, but Jared is oblivious to it. He's weeping as he lays the Diva's head gently down. Rosey Rhedd is cowering close by, still manfully broadcasting. "They're hideous. They've got a big horns, and tusks, and they're killing everyone. Jared? What do we do, Jared?"

Jared leans over the Diva. "I was sent to help you," he whispered.

"It's all right," she gasps. I was destined to die for this. How was the concert?"

"I never heard anything so beautiful in my life," he says, firing without even looking at the Mangalore attempting to jump on them from the stage. It falls dead, and the Diva smiles weakly.

"You're a good man. He was right to have chosen you."

"Who?" asks Jared, confused.

"The Fifth Element. The Supreme Being. Your husband." The Diva's smile widens.

Jared can't quite believe his ears. "Jensen? Is he? You're telling me…"

"Yes, he is everything." Her skin pales as pain wracks her tiny frame. "You must give him the Stones; he's the only one who knows how to use them."

"Kripke was telling the truth," gasps Jared.

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

On the bridge, Mangalores are busily tying Kripke and the Captain up together.

"Of course I was telling you the truth," says the priest, taking comfort in being right, despite the fact that he's in deep doo-doo. "If you'd listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this predicament now!"

A href="http://www.livejournal.com/editjournal.bml?journal=candygramme&itemid=107113">Part Four</a>